Well this is going alrightt...

The fast is going great. I just don't know what to do with my "spare" time that I have... even tho I hardly even have ANY! lol but it's all good I guess. I finally finished the info. card things that I needa print and give out but I don't wanna give them out too early cuz then ppl will just put them away and forget about them so yeahh. I will give them out a week and a half before or so. just so you guys know.

I met a new friend today. I just forgot her name: like I always do. But she's nice. She's a Christian which is kul cuz I just sat next to her afterschool today and started talking to her; she's kul. Hopefully I get to see her a round skul and stuff so she can go to the Youthfire too ^_^.

As for everything else in my life. ehh, Idk guys. I'm so confused about something. *that I don't even know* I... I was totally all sad and depressed like this whole day over something that I DON'T KNOW. Let's just say I'm good at hiding my feelings... cept when I don't talk... THEN ppl question... that's not good. I can't even think because I'm fighting against myself of what to think; how to think; and puts me in a place where I don't like being cuz I just don't know. And that makes me mad to where I just don't think or wanna think: about anything. I'm lost. but the thing is I don't know whyy. and I don't know how to understand. I wanted to be left alone and when I was I was afraid to be left alone with myself and my racing thoughts.

And yesturday my mom was totally getting mad at me that morning about... I don't even remember I guess it was about me changing skuls so I could go on the bus cuz she can't be picking me up during her lunch cuz she takes forever to get back to work or something Idk... but I wasn't even talking back to her... just listening with, I'm assuming, that mad face look of mine and she said, "Life's too short for you to be sad or mad, exc." and I HATE those thoughts that ran up my mind that made me cry on how... If I were to die today, this week, on my birthday.... I would have nothing to look back to... nothing I have accomplished that I've wanted too. I havn't lived at all. I can't remember anything at all; nothing that I would be proud of doing when I died. Thoughts that always get to me which is whyy freedom is alot more to me than just mom letting go. It's me being able to accomplish life long goals.... to LIVE with my free will of wanting to give back to the world; to it's wonderful ppl; to the ppl in this world I WANT to give back too those who have given their world to me.

And the big question is I don't know.... anything. I'm scared to not live... so desperately scared to look back on nothing. Just family & friends. I just want to live. To love. To worship & praise. To encourage and save. To help and to be free. I'm too anxious to become who I want to be I can't wait and I've been chained on too tight my family I wanna break free. but what will happen when I'm gone is what worries me. =//

sorry my thoughts go in the way of the fast blog guys. LOVE!