New but Old

It's funny how simple things and harmless things in life amount to something more than just offense or unwanted.
Am I really that mean?
To find out that the only ppl you hang out with think such bad about you? Something SO evidently as little as just words... just WORDS! Become more than just that. More than judgment. But what I've never come to do to them. Judge. To judge them never crossed my mind because I only see what I want to see and that is all the good one person hold within them. Why do they judge me so? I don't understand.
Little, small, unseen things in life IS my life. So what means nothing to them... means the world to me... which is whyy I feel so hurt inside hiding from them my real feelings of what I think. and again; I don't know what to think. How to think and come about such a little problem is more than just ignoring it... or talking about it. But maybe changing it. Changing my apparently "harsh" ways.
But who will I be then? of course; I do not know.
What happens then? To change who I suppose is my real self; who will I be? I don't mean any harm but whyy to they take such offence to what I say when I just want to be honest sometimes; and most of the time I'm joking. And they obviously don't understand.
Someone who I thought I could really be myself with turns out to become someone, like everyone, to judge me. I don't like being judged by the ones who I expect to love me for me. So it's a good thing I still have pam and brooke.
And then that girl that I had mentioned on my last blog: I went to go sit with her again afterschool you know to KNOW someone else but who was with her boyfriend who doesn't seem quite nice to me, "Is that the girl you were talking about?" "So you don't have any friends or what?" yet more judgments to add on.
I may be overreacting but who knows: it's my lack of myspace. =PP
I don't know, then some guy likes pam and she loves to talk about it. and nessa has someone to like. and priddy. and dani. and john. and sandra. and mark *I'm pretty sure*. and joseph. and I could never enter a conversation with everyone because I have no life. no spare time. no permission. that I've found out today talk to pam that I'm absolutely terrified to like someone rightt now. because I know I can't. So I don't allow myself. I can't talk to anyone like everyone talks to everyone. I can't have that relationship with someone I like because I'm too scared to get close; and that I don't understand. It may not be important to you or understand or think how it doesn't matter; but to me it does.
And this is just to get some feeling out so ignore it nessa:
having such beautiful friends... beautiful nessa and beautiful pam and brooke. People just see past me. THey see past me and all they see is who's in front of me. "Wow she's so pretty!" "That's your friend? So beautiful!" "Pretty.. Pretty.. Pretty" is all I hear. ALL I HEAR. even from random ppl. everyone I know has said that and more but w/e. and having to hear that all the time. ALL THE TIME. doesn't make my self esteem any higher. and all I can say is "Yeah... I know..." "I know....." "Iknow!" what am I supposed to say?
It's hard not comparing yourself to those around you that are crazy beautiful but just know it ok. I'm not saying I'm hideious or want attention or comfort for that just I don't know how to handle myself not comparing you know. And I know I shouldn't; and I don't change or try to be any prettier cuz you all know that's impossible *JK! don't hurt me*. It's just some feeling; I wish I had a private journal. lol
man... only fishies hit on me. not that I want it but they're the only ones who acknowledge my presence for friendship. Like this s'more who was hessitant to talk to me afterschool when I was just sitting there and just asked, "DO you know what kinda car that is?" "Uhh... no. I don't know cars sorry =]" "Well I'm kyle *I think*" and blah blah blah.
but all in all I want to give up. but it's a good thing I'm too ambitious for that to ever happen. and THANK YOU LORD! for all the strength that you have given me in my heart and soul to just take things as they go and ignore what I should and be strong for those little ones who need me most. I hope I'll be alrightt and go to college or I'll seriously die if I don't. =//
But I will call you nessa when my mom gets here from bible classes. =]] cuz your anxious to tell me something I know, I know! lol sorry =[[ but it can't be any longer from now so kisses.
P.S
Am I really mean? cuz I don't see it. Have I changed? cuz I don't see it. Do I judge? cuz I don't think I do.