i should be ....

typing an essay! but my brain is completely blank right now. i'm pretty much in la la land from watching the cinderella movie that kuya bought me. terrible, i know.

so my week? it was disastrous for a while. especially with the car accident ... but in spite of everything, my birthday was a good day. i really wasn't expecting to do much, i was just thinking about going to youthfire then going home but it was nice to eat out with a small group. i like how everyone is so goofy and silly and just seems like a family. sometimes you gotta stop spending so much time with yourself and look around you to see who God has put in front of you.

i'm simply amazed how God has stirred in the hearts of others. He reminds me everyday that the same power that conquered the grave lives in me...

i just pray that their decisions were genuine. i pray that they choose to follow Christ for the right reasons...

let's just say that was the best birthday present ever.

- ness

Good Ending I Suppose.

so once upon a time in my lifetime =P anyways... I'm glad that I at least had a good ending to this suprisingly ugly week of mine and lots of others for some reason. It's nice to have family surround you for a while. I happen to love the quality time I have spent with them even tho it was only for a night. =]] I love them for always supporting me for some reason lol. jkk. Well tomarrow's jona's birthday and mom gave him his present early: a WII... what a cheater y don't I get kul gifts? huh? HUH? lol well it was fun playing while it lasted but we totally need games. And I never notcied we got a new plasma tv downstairs even when I was watching tv. weird. but ehh. Idk whyy we had to get a new one. We could've totally gotten ME! a new car or something: something more useful. How unselfish of me I know! haha. but ehh. it works I suppose. But what did bother me is that I totally forgot to tell brooke that I was volunteering at the festival and she was totally at church alone. poop. I'm sorry. I should've gone to church then volunteered at the festival cuz I had a whole week of no church, or youthfire, or cell group! maybe that's whyy it was a bad week. But my highlight was how awesome pam's dad is to me. I do feel like a daughter like he says he sees me: giving me life advice, always taking me out to eat, all those fun fat jokes, sleeping over half of the week and him actually appreciating me being pam's friend is really touching hearing it actually. =]] We ate at Furr's in San Marcos. it was funn I love my second family =D lol But all and all it's hard for me to control my feelings of sorrow and frustration so sorry if it gets in the wayy. I do try I can't say that I don't because I know that my attitude affects those around me. Sorry guys. Well it was a good end of the week for a yucky week. and I'm glad it at least ends happy cuz that is truely what matters most. The Ending.

Who Would Have Thought?

well this has been genuinely hard for myself for some reason but at least I do have ppl in my life that can understand and relate and be there for me even in the smallest of situations. I do praise God for sending me the beautiful wonderful ppl that are grateful to have me in their lives as well as I enjoy them in mine. I couldn't ask for a better life, better friend, better everything because I do understand that God does have plans for me in my life and everything, every situation just makes you see true ppl, true love or lust or friendship. Even tho my anger and frustration has settled down a little bit I'm still fighting within myself to control it =]]. It's been ok. Not where I wish it would be or more over not even be. But it's there. Lurking. And I am trying my hardest to just fix the problem but it's hard when even you comfront the problem; it still decides to take it's course to continue on it's path. Which, for me, is really hard to fix for some reason. And the thing is that I do understand. I understand the salvation but it's more than that. It's wayy more than just the salvation of someone- it's something that I don't even understand. I'm there for both sides. Want to be there for both sides but I've decided to quit seeing how both sides just want to be left alone. So I will unwillingly respect that. I will. Just don't bring me or anyone else along for a third wheel. It really isn't all the nicest feeling in the world. But I suppose there could be worse huh? Yeah. Well who knows where friendship will continue in it's path but what I do know is that the last decision-- is God's decison.

Finallyyyy

heyy guyssss!
well i finally figured out how to get on this thing! haha. and i just wanted to say thanksss for making my time here in SAN ANTONIO so funnn! i didnt think i was going to make anyy friends when i first got here but i did! =D and im glad i got the chance to meet you guys! you guys really helped me sooo much in so little time. and i love all the time we shared!
i wish i didnt have to go but i do.. it sucks but just know that i will never forget about you, you will always be in my prayers and i will always keep in touch!
and im going to continue my fast! even though i cant go on the 29th, but i will be there in spirrriiiitttt haha, i wish i could go though =[
well i hope you guys dont forget about meeee.
and hopefully ill still be cool enough to be on this blog even when im goneee! hehe.
LYNZ i will always be here for you! friendship is not measured by distance of how far we are apart but by how much love we have for each other in our hearts. =] and nessaaaa i will never forget you and how crazy funny you are, good luck with you know who. stay PRETTY! =D i lovee you both sooo much!
<3 brookeeee

New but Old

It's funny how simple things and harmless things in life amount to something more than just offense or unwanted.
Am I really that mean?
To find out that the only ppl you hang out with think such bad about you? Something SO evidently as little as just words... just WORDS! Become more than just that. More than judgment. But what I've never come to do to them. Judge. To judge them never crossed my mind because I only see what I want to see and that is all the good one person hold within them. Why do they judge me so? I don't understand.
Little, small, unseen things in life IS my life. So what means nothing to them... means the world to me... which is whyy I feel so hurt inside hiding from them my real feelings of what I think. and again; I don't know what to think. How to think and come about such a little problem is more than just ignoring it... or talking about it. But maybe changing it. Changing my apparently "harsh" ways.
But who will I be then? of course; I do not know.
What happens then? To change who I suppose is my real self; who will I be? I don't mean any harm but whyy to they take such offence to what I say when I just want to be honest sometimes; and most of the time I'm joking. And they obviously don't understand.
Someone who I thought I could really be myself with turns out to become someone, like everyone, to judge me. I don't like being judged by the ones who I expect to love me for me. So it's a good thing I still have pam and brooke.
And then that girl that I had mentioned on my last blog: I went to go sit with her again afterschool you know to KNOW someone else but who was with her boyfriend who doesn't seem quite nice to me, "Is that the girl you were talking about?" "So you don't have any friends or what?" yet more judgments to add on.
I may be overreacting but who knows: it's my lack of myspace. =PP
I don't know, then some guy likes pam and she loves to talk about it. and nessa has someone to like. and priddy. and dani. and john. and sandra. and mark *I'm pretty sure*. and joseph. and I could never enter a conversation with everyone because I have no life. no spare time. no permission. that I've found out today talk to pam that I'm absolutely terrified to like someone rightt now. because I know I can't. So I don't allow myself. I can't talk to anyone like everyone talks to everyone. I can't have that relationship with someone I like because I'm too scared to get close; and that I don't understand. It may not be important to you or understand or think how it doesn't matter; but to me it does.
And this is just to get some feeling out so ignore it nessa:
having such beautiful friends... beautiful nessa and beautiful pam and brooke. People just see past me. THey see past me and all they see is who's in front of me. "Wow she's so pretty!" "That's your friend? So beautiful!" "Pretty.. Pretty.. Pretty" is all I hear. ALL I HEAR. even from random ppl. everyone I know has said that and more but w/e. and having to hear that all the time. ALL THE TIME. doesn't make my self esteem any higher. and all I can say is "Yeah... I know..." "I know....." "Iknow!" what am I supposed to say?
It's hard not comparing yourself to those around you that are crazy beautiful but just know it ok. I'm not saying I'm hideious or want attention or comfort for that just I don't know how to handle myself not comparing you know. And I know I shouldn't; and I don't change or try to be any prettier cuz you all know that's impossible *JK! don't hurt me*. It's just some feeling; I wish I had a private journal. lol
man... only fishies hit on me. not that I want it but they're the only ones who acknowledge my presence for friendship. Like this s'more who was hessitant to talk to me afterschool when I was just sitting there and just asked, "DO you know what kinda car that is?" "Uhh... no. I don't know cars sorry =]" "Well I'm kyle *I think*" and blah blah blah.
but all in all I want to give up. but it's a good thing I'm too ambitious for that to ever happen. and THANK YOU LORD! for all the strength that you have given me in my heart and soul to just take things as they go and ignore what I should and be strong for those little ones who need me most. I hope I'll be alrightt and go to college or I'll seriously die if I don't. =//
But I will call you nessa when my mom gets here from bible classes. =]] cuz your anxious to tell me something I know, I know! lol sorry =[[ but it can't be any longer from now so kisses.
P.S
Am I really mean? cuz I don't see it. Have I changed? cuz I don't see it. Do I judge? cuz I don't think I do.

chickensteak.

don't worry about what subject you're talking about. i mean, i made this blog so that we could vent out what we really feel, what we really think about, and to just connect with each other. this isn't so much about the fast, but more about our relationships with each other and with Christ.

but anyyyway.

i don't want to say that i know what you're going through. because honestly lyndsey, it's not fair for me to say something like that. we both have such different lives and different families. i can't say that i know everything about you and that i've been there, because there is no one that will understand you like Christ does. but here is what i can say...

i am here for you. do you remember pastor warren's last night of youthfire? about how sometimes, he doesn't even know what to say. people tell him their problems and their hurt, and he doesn't know what to say sometimes, so he just embraces them and lets them know there is a God who feels their pain. so for me, i don't know exactly what to say, but i can let you know that you have a friend here, well...a sister (meeeee =P) and there are those deep and dark places in our hearts that only God can go.

but only if you knew. if only you knew the impact that you do have on people. but to me, that's what is so beautiful about you, is the fact that you don't really realize that the person you are and the way you are reaches out to others in the simplest of ways. because if it's one thing you've taught me, it's to not let life pass you by. i was always so apathetic towards everything, and never really cared about what was set in front of me. but the thing is that you always find ways to look at the smallest things that can mean the world to someone. i've always envied that you have that gift.

it's hard living under your parent's roof when you want to do so many things. and sometimes we don't always agree with our parents, and i know i definitely had difficult times with my mom. there were times i lashed out and yelled at her at the top of my lungs because i couldn't stand the way she was. but at the time i understood that she is my mother, and i am my mother's daughter. the bible says to honor your father and mother. and as long as i was under her roof, it was her rules. and now i find myself regretting the way i was with her. i know she was a parent looking out for her child. it hit me so hard after i moved out that i wasn't going to be living with her anymore. and no matter how many arguments we had, the bad times should never and will never outweigh the good times.

so all i can say is hold on for the meantime. if you keep focusing on what you don't have, you're going to miss out on the things that you do have. the Lord says "for I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." you are destined for greatness. i know there are lots of things that we want to do, but those things come by God's timing, not our own. and we think that we're so young and we can't do anything important until we get older, but that's not true. we think that simply talking to a lonely person at school or hugging a friend is such a small thing compared to feeding the hungry or building a home for the lost. but that's not the way it is in God's eyes. God sees and rewards even the smallest gestures that we passionately make for Him.

there are so many things that i want to do to reach out to the people who are lost in this world, like go on a mission trip, but now is not my time. but that doesn't mean that i'm not living. God is simply telling me to wait on Him. and it's just like a young girl who exercises to get skinnier. this doesn't mean that in the meantime, her beauty is put "on hold." she is beautiful no matter what because she is the daughter of a King! and it is the same as when we have a passion to give to others. sure, we don't have the opportunity to go on a missionary trip to the deep jungles of the Amazon, but that doesn't mean we can't enjoy today.

we will all pass away someday. and that is why we live for today. we can't live for yesterday, because it's gone. we can't live for tomorrow, because it's not promised. this is why every single day in the mornings, i wake up, and thank Christ because He's given me one more day.

just take a look around you and look at what God has created. put passion into your actions. and pour out your heart in the words you say. and take everything in around you. we shouldn't work to be blessed; we should work because we are already blessed. you can't keep on thinking that you can only work toward what will be, because what if that day never comes? you have to realize that we are only living because Christ died for us.

"Come into God's presence with no agenda but to love God and let Him love you. Your identity is not found in your doing, but in your being with God. It is not about feeling; it is about coming to God in faith."

people think that just because you're a Christian, life is easy. but the thing is that its that much harder. it takes more strength for someone to be different. God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.

- ness

Well this is going alrightt...

The fast is going great. I just don't know what to do with my "spare" time that I have... even tho I hardly even have ANY! lol but it's all good I guess. I finally finished the info. card things that I needa print and give out but I don't wanna give them out too early cuz then ppl will just put them away and forget about them so yeahh. I will give them out a week and a half before or so. just so you guys know.

I met a new friend today. I just forgot her name: like I always do. But she's nice. She's a Christian which is kul cuz I just sat next to her afterschool today and started talking to her; she's kul. Hopefully I get to see her a round skul and stuff so she can go to the Youthfire too ^_^.

As for everything else in my life. ehh, Idk guys. I'm so confused about something. *that I don't even know* I... I was totally all sad and depressed like this whole day over something that I DON'T KNOW. Let's just say I'm good at hiding my feelings... cept when I don't talk... THEN ppl question... that's not good. I can't even think because I'm fighting against myself of what to think; how to think; and puts me in a place where I don't like being cuz I just don't know. And that makes me mad to where I just don't think or wanna think: about anything. I'm lost. but the thing is I don't know whyy. and I don't know how to understand. I wanted to be left alone and when I was I was afraid to be left alone with myself and my racing thoughts.

And yesturday my mom was totally getting mad at me that morning about... I don't even remember I guess it was about me changing skuls so I could go on the bus cuz she can't be picking me up during her lunch cuz she takes forever to get back to work or something Idk... but I wasn't even talking back to her... just listening with, I'm assuming, that mad face look of mine and she said, "Life's too short for you to be sad or mad, exc." and I HATE those thoughts that ran up my mind that made me cry on how... If I were to die today, this week, on my birthday.... I would have nothing to look back to... nothing I have accomplished that I've wanted too. I havn't lived at all. I can't remember anything at all; nothing that I would be proud of doing when I died. Thoughts that always get to me which is whyy freedom is alot more to me than just mom letting go. It's me being able to accomplish life long goals.... to LIVE with my free will of wanting to give back to the world; to it's wonderful ppl; to the ppl in this world I WANT to give back too those who have given their world to me.

And the big question is I don't know.... anything. I'm scared to not live... so desperately scared to look back on nothing. Just family & friends. I just want to live. To love. To worship & praise. To encourage and save. To help and to be free. I'm too anxious to become who I want to be I can't wait and I've been chained on too tight my family I wanna break free. but what will happen when I'm gone is what worries me. =//

sorry my thoughts go in the way of the fast blog guys. LOVE!