hurt.

to sum it up, i'm lost. i never knew i could feel this way, act this way, think this way... i've never known what it's like to love someone then lose sight of him. i've lost sight of Christ and all i feel is the pain and disappointment. the guilt of not being the woman i should be... it hurts so much. like what you said Kristian ... you said exactly what i felt. i hate waking up in the mornings and seeing the person i've become and living with the constant reminder of who i am not and who i may truly be. and all of a sudden, i find myself back to where i started, square one! i wonder if this was all for nothing, i wonder if a regeneration really took place in my heart.

i truly feel alone. but thank you Kristian for your words of encouragement ... it's like ... i've come so far from back then. i don't really like to talk about my past, or even confront it at all. i don't like to remember who i was. and now i find myself back in my old ways again, and it's such a struggle... such a battle. i really do find other people wonderful and interesting, but all of a sudden i don't want to be around people anymore - even the ones who are closest to me. i back away, shy away, push people away, because i am afraid. there's always something holding me back from trusting one other person.

it's funny how many years it takes to build up someone's trust but it can fall to pieces in one second. i'm severely close to becoming a cynic and i don't want that. i don't want to be bitter or angry anymore. and i guess it's not that i am, i'm more afraid than anything. and it all goes back to losing myself and wondering ... (sorry this is so random but i'll finish this later! i gotta go...boo)

- ness