fire.fall.down

It is God's Love & Grace

2010-03-08T20:29:00.000-08:00

It is God's grace that is so amazing that it creates such an urge in my heart to continue to live through His love. Its overpowering sometimes... and sometimes I don't know what to do with it because I can't just told it all in. I've been listening to "How He Loves Us" -- David Crowder Band all day today... because that is OUR song. I didn't choose it, He did. So, its amazing. And so are the words... and I am so glad that He is jealous for me and how He loves us! Praise God Praise God Praise God! Although today wasn't as great as I thought it would be... I am SO glad that God can be there right by my side and fill me to the up most degree. He is there so overwhelmingly and is my provider and the LOVE OF MY LIFE! I don't know how to express so deeply the love that I truly feel in my heart for Him... except to spread it out to everyone who surround me... and even then... it's still not enough! Oh, how I truly Love you Lord... How I truly LOVE you Lord. Love you Lord. The word love can't even extend out to how much I actually feel for you in my heart and spirit. Oh, how He Loves Us. So unconditionally... what would I do without you? I can't even imagine... because you are that powerful and overwhelming that words nor imagination can express how my heart and soul ache for you, and you alone. LoveYouLord.

God's Movement In My Heart

2010-03-01T21:06:00.000-08:00

So today was... interestingly crazy. lol but amazing. So, if you don't know already: There is this atheist group at UTSA that decided to do their little debut and have created a "Trade in your Bible for Porn" thingy. Well, of course, there was a LOT of debate. A HUGE debate! Hundreds of people gathered around preaching and criticizing. All this good stuff you know? Well! There was two main things that bothered me with this:

1. The "christians" who were condemning and criticizing the atheists when they should be doing the exact OPPOSITE and try to bring them closer to God instead of condemning them. Who are we that we have the right to criticize them? We were there once before, we were those sinners and nonbelievers at one point. We did not come close God because of those criticisms. But rather that love that was showed to us no matter our background or sinful past.

2. I don't agree with the atheists by publically bringing down other "religions" by, basically, making them give up their faith, the Bible, and trade it in for porn. For porn?! Ridiculous!!

but even through all this, there is God's greatness! First though, I must say that I am really disappointed with the believers that were there. Only because they were the ones doing the condemnation towards the atheists. We should be bringing God to them, showing them His love! His amazing UNCONDITIONAL UNCONDITIONAL UNCONDITIONAL love for them, and everyone! I just think that we, as believers, should be encouraging God's word and educating through the Spirit not condemning through the flesh. It is not God's intention for His word to be debated over.

As the day continued... another event that happened today that I thought was really sweet from the Lord was Him giving me the opportunity to go on a lunch date. With a man, who's name I sadly forgot. I was on my way to work and decided that I should go to Whataburger and eat before work. So, I did. And at the corner of Whataburger, there was a man, holding a sign that read, "Hungry. Anything Helps." I usually have cash and give it to them but I didn't have cash today. So I was like man... Idk... and I seriously think the Spirit took a great grasp of my heart and I rolled down my window and the words that came out of my mouth were, "I don't have any cash but I'm going to Whataburger and you could join me." Crazy... I never even thought of it. So, he meet me there. It was so nice. SO nice. This man was really homeless and lived under a bridge nearby and had 3 children. One got pregnant at age 13. So I am so so so grateful for God that He brought me this man and blessed me enough to bless him so he wouldn't be so hungry anymore. And maybe one day he will know that, everything will be okay.

God has really moved in my heart today and I appreciate every moment of it. Every single second of today. Many other details and scriptures and love about today but there is wayy to manyy... long... descriptions lol

I just praise you God, for the people that you bring into my life. I couldn't ask for better. I know you have your plan for my life, I just ask that you continue to captivate my Spirit and engrave your word into my heart! I pray for those who have also been with me though this journey, with their encouraging word and uplifting Spirit's. I love you all. I love you, Lord. <3

To Confess or Not Confess?

2010-02-24T09:20:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I just spent about 2 hours reading all the posts under Van's status of determining whether we are forgiven and don't have to confess our sins anymore? Something like that. But anyways, point being, should we confess all of our sins or not? and WHy? Many views on this point that I read but mainly, everyone was stating that we don't need to be confessing ALL of our sins. I don't know if I believe that. I guess, YES, it's understandable that when we gave our lives to Christ that ALL of our sins are forgiven, the past sins, the present sins, and the future sins. Of course, that is the purpose of Jesus Christ! But as for confessing our sins to God and asking for forgiveness, I see it differently. I believe that God wants us to confess our sins to Him, to give Him everything and not hide ourselves from Him. He already knows all and has forgiven you for everything... but I don't believe that, that should be used as some sort of an excuse? I guess. I don't know any other way to put it. But, I believe that we need to be able to willingly humble ourselves before God... show Him His works in our lives. Being able to realize our sins and sharing them with God. Although, He already knows.
Kind of like: You find out something very serious about somebody, Person A, but Person B is the one who told you about that very serious situation. So you want to go to Person A and talk to them, hoping that they will trust you enough to be able to share that serious problem with you too. Even though you already know! You just want them to tell you.
We need to be able to go to God, just because we want to tell Him. Just because we want to communicate with Him and love Him. I don't know any other way to put it besides the fact that we should trust God that everything that is going on our lives to share our experience with Him. Confessing our sins, is NOT NECESSARY the bible never states that we NEED too, but I believe it can bring us closer to God.
Well, class is now over, and I should probably be paying attention a bit more... Hmm... oh well. Just continue to appreciate all that God has brought to you, and perhaps be humble and talk REAL to God. <3

Living Through A True God

2010-02-20T23:03:00.000-08:00

So! The question being why I say God brings me all these WONDERFUL blessings into my life, as well as my troubles. Honestly, I think that God has set a reason for everything in my life. The good, and especially the bad. The bad because I trust, so overwhelmingly, that He can bring me through anything. Big or small. Everything is done through His will, and His will alone. Even then, the devil will try to come in and sweep me off my feet but I will always be strong through God and Jesus Christ who's spirit lives in ME. In us all. So we have the strength within us, to overcome all troubles that might be presented into our lives. So, I firmly believe that God brings everything into my life at certain moments, at certain times. And I, we, should always be ready for the unexpected because we are living in a world FULL of sin, FULL of lust, FULL of pride, exc. But, it is also FULL of believers, FULL of the Spirit, FULL of God's people, God has His timings for EVERYTHING. God brings us all our troubles and blessings so that we may one day turn it all around, and give it right back to Him and give Him all the praise, as we take no credit. Through God, we can most TRULY do anything, along with His will. Well, I'm kind of just rambling on right now, I'm sleepy, it's late so hopefully this all makes sense. GodBless. and Praise God for everything you have or don't have, want but don't need, the good AND the bad. <3

So As Life Continues in Comp. Class

2010-02-18T19:27:00.000-08:00

So, today I was in my writing composition class and my professor asked us to write in our "journals" that he never checks anyways T_T asking, "What is the most important thing to you in your life today?" And the only thing I could come up with was the following word for word:

Well, of course, God. I guess nothing else really matters after that. God brings me joy, He brings me peace, He brings me hope, and He brings me trouble. God brings me love, He brings me happiness, He brings me life, and He brings me horror. God brings me provision, He brings me confidence, He brings me strength, and He brings me battles. God brings me purity, He brings me sympathy, He brings me forgiveness, and He brings me times of weakness.

And I never got the chance to finish it because time ran out. Well Lord, it's all for you babyy. <3>

Oh How He Loves

2009-10-24T21:16:00.000-07:00

So there is this song that the David Crowder Band sings called "How He Loves Us" I think lol I'm assuming... and this amazing thing happened while I was driving to work yesterday. I've heard this song many many times but this time, for some reason, it really hit me hard. I began to cry listening to it, out of no where! It was weird cuz that's never happened to me before but truly it touched my heart and soul in that moment and really feeling God's presence in my life and realizing how much He really does love us, with no judgment. On my way home from work that same day, yesterday, I heard it again on the radio and really just felt at peace with the Lord as my tears were rolling down my face.

<3 Z

CrazyLove.

2009-10-08T19:31:00.000-07:00

I don't understand how God can love everyone as equally and devotedly as He does, I love it. But that is the beauty of it I suppose. His unconditional love, I was readying in Joshua today about Rahab and the two Jew spies (I forgot what verses sorry) but she was a prostitute! That title is really degrading if you ask me, and yet she performs such a glorious act to protect the Jews and to keep them safe. If sinners are such sinners and even in that sin perform Godly acts of love, why shouldn't God love them? Also in Romans chapter 5 it says how even the circumsized men were unGodly and they were supposed to be living through God because of that symbolism right? Well it also states how the uncircumcised men who believed whole heartedly were seen circumsized through their faith and devotion to God. As long as your faith is in the right spirit and your love for Him is there, you are considered to be circumsized through God spiritually. We were such sinners that God had to send His only son, His own flesh, to die for all the sinners forever long. Jesus Christ, the only son of God! Died a gruesome death for us, without knowing us or the sins we will be committing, He died for us. We lived yesterday, we live today, we will live tomorrow, walking in forgiveness every second of our human lives because of that ONE man, who gave up His life for yours and mine. Love You Lord, and I thank and praise you for your sacrifice for me to be able to live today, in this very moment Lord, for YOU and no one else. I surrender my life to you Lord, every single day, and do with it what you will... =]]

<3 Z

A Passion for Singing!

2009-10-04T21:40:00.000-07:00

Hmm... Been really on fire for the Lord. Something that has really taken a passion from me is, singing. Worshiping and praising the Lord with wonderful, inspiring music singing only for Him. Music is such a big part of my life, I Love It! Further more, singing wholeheartedly for the Lord, excites me so much! Except, although I have this insane fire to connect with God through music, I mostly want to share this with the world.... but.... something stops me.... my actual singing. Lol it's not great, even though the Lord has not blessed me with a graceful voice, I still intend to sing my heart and soul to Him, no matter what. All I really want to do is share His grace and glory with the world through music... Lord... I'll wait and see. =]] <3 You Lord!!

<3 Z

God's Works In My Life To Live For Him!

2009-09-26T19:47:00.000-07:00

So things have been great... through God I've been called to join the "Christians on Campus" group/club thing where it's kind of like a bible study but what's so great about it is that He has also given me GREAT visions of what I should do with this organization. I'm so excited to start and I'm sad that we only meet once a week =// but maybe it'll change soon with time seeing the visions God has brought to me. What amazes me most is how I actually got started with this organization:

I was standing at the bus stop, and suddenly this young lady taps my shoulder from behind me and complements my bag/laptop case. My bag has a scripture from 1 Corinthians 13 =]] and asks me if I'm a believer... and that question sounded weird but I answered, "why yes of course" and we just continued talking on about church and that I'm involved with 3DG and everything and finally the shuttle got here but we got on the same one! So I was like COOL! lol so she continued telling me how she was involved with Christians on Campus and invited me to join! So I did ^_^ and it's great!

What got me though was that she had actually gotten on the wrong shuttle! It was funny. I truly believe that God brought her to me, and I'm truly thankful because I love Gods little works of wonder in my everyday life and I LOVE enjoying them. Embracing God's wonderful love that He shows to me everyday is AMAZING! I love it lol. And it's all for you, Oh Lord. =]]

<3 Z

Interesting Day.

2009-09-10T19:00:00.000-07:00

So as I begin my beautiful day... going to my 8 then 10 o'clock class all nice and wonderful like... and it begins to rain like crazy out of no where T_T. So it was funny... I had to run straight through the rain to get into the shuttle to get back home. And lucky for me that our apartments is one of the last buildings, horray for running through the rain and getting all SOAKING WET! T_T I have to admit, it was fun lol So I finally get home, all wet and ugly, so I change and start on my homework all nice and wonderful like... AND THEN rain starts dripping into our room! Oh goodness... I didn't even notice till Nessa walked in going crazy and I was like "oh, it's raining inside!!" haha... funny. So I call the front office and they said they'll fix it later. So I continue on, all nice and wonderful like with my homework... AND THEN the fan starts bleeding rain into our bedroom again (it was so weird) and raindrops where going EVERYWHERE and I was like "omg! it IS raining inside!!" and Nessa, again, goes all crazy haha so hilarious. So again we call the front office and they send someone over who tries to fix our problem by poking a whole in the roof. So I really hope it doesn't rain tonight lol. All true events btw. And extremely hilarious, I loved it!
So! as I continue my day and think I'm all done with the rain and water... but oh, of course not lol so I end up getting to do Pool Therapy at work =P I loved it tho... it was funn =]] to some extent haha.

Crazyy, weird day today... oh how I love these wonderful days I never get. =]]

<3 Z

What Kind Of World Are We Living In?

2009-09-09T20:45:00.000-07:00

It's amazing... our "world" today. Everything that we live in... it's insane. Mind-blowingly enough what amazes me most is how we, "as Americans" live. We have an excess amount of luxury in our everyday lives that we don't even realize. We don't come to realize how luxurious our toilets are... something as small and something that we never seem to ever think or care about like our shoes or such material things. The US is over populating with obesity... obesity! Other countries are starving, they are DYING! Right around the corner of this spherical world of ours are dying countries, millions AND MILLIONS of people, children, EVERYONE is starving to death! While we, here in America, are dying because of obesity. How can one world seriously function through that knowledge and everything be okay? I really don't understand it. Cell phones, laptops, iPods... everything that we use in our everyday lives, here in America, don't exist in other deprived countries and "oddly" enough they are living without them. Do we really not care at all? What can they possibly think of us? How we'd rather buy an iPod than be generous enough to donate to the starving children for a year? But no... we have chosen to be selfish.

I really don't understand.

Oh how blessed we have become that through God, who has placed us in this rotting world (in a non-sarcastic way). Thank you Lord for our world today. It's not perfect. But I wouldn't have it any other way.You didn't create this world to be this way, it was our own human intentions. So I wouldn't ask you to change it because it will only change if we make it change.

<3 Z

2009-08-27T18:59:00.000-07:00

Hmm... so this school AND work stuff isn't as bad as I thought it'd be. But maybe cuz its still early in the semester but I think I'll be good considering I have at least an hour in between each class =]] its great! cuz I still get to sleep too... and get weekends off! =D And its odd how its thundering outside like crazy... scary. Its not even raining! Lol Hmm... so like I really love this movie "50 First Dates" its interesting and creative, cute and funny. And I love Adam Sandler and Drew Berrymore =]] if that's how you spell her last name.
SO! interesting enough... my english professor kinda kicked me out of class earlier in the week for not having my book T_T really annoying cuz we were supposed to read this story in there and then write an essay in class whether we understood it or not right? So I read it and took notes... but didn't bring my book... I did bring my notes tho... and she got all angry and told me to "step outside" and do nothing till class was over T_T I really don't like her. I don't like her unnecessary comments like "Get out of my face eMo boy!" and "Ha... I just talked about myself in third person... ha" NOT EVEN FUNNY! lol so I dropped her class =]] lol hopefully my new english professor isn't as bad... Idk!
But I've meet great and interesting people that I hang out with during my breaks now ^_^ I do love that... and my Japanese class is AWESOMEE! lol And I've been doing well with studying early and getting things done ON TIME without procrastinating =]] so I'm proud of that! =D
Busy... quite busy. So busy that I have to stop sometimes and just think... just pray... just talk to God... which I haven't been doing the best job at lately which is totally horrible cuz being busy shouldn't bring my list of importance (God being numbero uno) any lower; which has kinda made me disappointed in myself but I'm working on not being so busy ALL the time. And every little time I get... even at work... I pray for a bit... so its nice =]]

<3 Z

First Day Of School Again Mommy.

2009-08-26T21:05:00.001-07:00

Well today was great... better than great... it was AWEESOMEE!!! lol I love having met so many new ppl. Its amazing to hear their stories =]] I LOVE it! lol So again with this stranger deal... I met a young woman today named, Ashley B.(forgot her last name and am too lazy to look in my phone lol) and its her senior year finally. *FREEZE! FLASHBACK BEFORE WE CONTINUE THIS STORY* It was weird cuz like Pastor Bob was talking last night about how whatever God tells you to do... do it! To be obediant... and that delayed obediance is disobediance. *SO HAVING THAT BEEN SAID WE CONTINUE WITH THE STORY:* I had gotten out of my first class wondering what I should do before my next class in an hour... so I was walking along... and I saw her, Ashley... and immediately God, for His amazing reasons, told me... so simply... "Go." And I did, with no questions asked. And I was thinking as I sat down next to her, "Alright God I'm here... now what 0_0" lol "Just talk to her.", He said. "Fine... lol" So I did, I just simply asked her something, I forgot what it was tho lol and we started talking. She is 22 (I think) and has a 4 yr. old boy who just turned 4 like two or three days ago. She just had a divorce too. AND her major is Sociology. Awesome! We have something in common lol. Well I could tell that she hasn't been saved or anything just by her words and some stories she's told BUT what was great about it was that she held on to me... it was nice. She needed to go so she wrote down her number and email for me on a paper it was cute lol cute because she needs someone... I didn't even ask nor did she ask for mine. I know that she's need the grace of God to flow through her life for what she's going through right now and to support her son as well so I'm praying for her. So! I will continue my journey with her through God's will... excited for what's to come. Thanks Lord for all your guidance... and I will continue to do what you ask, always.

<3 Z

BoRedom of Random Thoughts =]]

2009-08-23T14:49:00.000-07:00

So instead of asking God "why"... why don't we ever ask "why not?". Why not let us suffer, why not let us fear, why not let His glory of love and compassion flow through our spirits. Why not? Through good and bad times you know. Hmm.. so Idk where I'm going with this but its interesting how fast we fall and how hard it is to climb back up. Kind of annoying I think. Relationships with everyone is hard... SO! the moral of the story today kids is... "Stay In School"

<3 Z

Wait and See.

2009-08-23T07:40:00.000-07:00

So I just listened to this song called "Wait and See" by Brandon Heath and I've heard it many times and know the lyrics and everything by heart. But until TODAY! it just hit me in a spiritual way. I LOVE these lyrics with a passion and would love to hear it again in a couple of seconds. Lol But it is extremely GREAT to know, know with your own spirit, heart, soul, and mind that God has a plan for every single one of us living today. "He's not finished with me yet" OMG! LOOOVEE ITT!!! And because God won't ever forget His plans for you and you will just have to Wait and See His amazing plans he's made for only you alone. Its mindblowing I think. Because if you ever think about it... we (as "Christians") have our salvation, have our promises, and Words of God to fill us up every single day with no thirst or hunger in ourselves because He's always with us. Even when we don't know it or feel His presence within our selves every second of the day we still got that one and only true God by our side and we'll just have to Wait and See what happens through God's Will ALONE!

<3 Z

Going Through The Motions.

2009-08-23T01:19:00.000-07:00

Ok so I'm weird. I've always wanted someone that I could talk to about anything.... anything at all... as small of a problem it is or a big problem right? Who doesn't? BUT! (here's the issue) I also don't like talking to those around me about such problems. Hmm. I don't like that. I think I can pour my whole heart and soul into telling a totally stranger my whole life story rather than my friends. And I would rather talk to a strager. I wonder sometimes why... Idk. I don't feel comfortable talking to people I already know. I love strangers. Strange... because they talk to me too. I love trusting in people which I don't even know if I can trust. And although I only have one person to talk to about anything and who really understands every single motion I'm going through with no complaints or arguments just listens... it doesn't seem to be enough. I guess I'm not the best at sharing my feelings with the ones I love... or friends in general. Not because I think they'll judge me or anything. But because I'd rather listen to them than myself. I guess that's a problem sometimes with me... is that... I don't care enough about my own problems because I know for a FACT I'll be alright in the end, so I take it day by day with no motions because its ok... its always ok. Who can I talk to about anything? Besides my stranger friends lol And I know I can trust my friends, always. But there's something that keeps me from that. Because we've already gone through this problem and I think I might just leave it alone this time. lol. But ugh... how annoying... I'd rather talk to myself in this blog to ease these emotions T_T I don't like that either lol But it'll be great! Its alll gooooood.....

<3 Z

My Future in His Hands.

2009-08-21T23:28:00.001-07:00

Hmm... as much as I love God... I wonder. What is His GREAT plan for me? You know... and I don't mind waiting for it either because I want to be prepared for what He DOES have planned for me. Meanwhile, I'm here waiting... anticipating... for what lies ahead. I'm walking, everyday and will continue to walk in His vast glory too but I wonder if what I am doing... will serve for its purpose to others more than myself. My job for example: I help people, patients, the doctor, Mrs. Baylan, Rose <3, Valerie, Regis, Jasper sometimes lol and they are in fact godly people who surround me every single day and I love that. I love how Dr.Baylan preaches and teaches stories of the bible to the patients and they too have the same love. Its great! Life's great. I know God watches over me and I love my drive to and from work everyday because my car is my "praying closet" you know? And its so amazing to just talk to Him, trust in Him, be with Him, and hear everything He has to say to me. Its truely mindblowing how I can just ask and He'll answer right away. And I know He's there with me every second of every day of my life. I'm excited to grow and most excitingly plant seeds into others and watch them grow =]] I give my life to God to do with it what He will's in hope that soon I too will be sitting with Him in heaven.

<3 Z

Hello Again.

2009-03-24T19:31:00.000-07:00

So! how've you guys really been ehh?

hopefully great guys. As am I, I suppose. Really busy it's crazy. I don't like it... ok well I don't like being busy with scholarships and all that good stuff yo but other than that I love being busy with school work =]]. Just thought I'd drop in to say hello.

byee.

<3 Z

just an update.

2009-02-10T11:33:00.000-08:00

so i have a job interview and have applied to volunteer at SAMMinistries ... :) praise God for the incredible opportunities and the amazing breakthrough i had Sunday night. Thank you Jesus. It's been such an incredible journey, and it was so indescribable with everything that's happened.

Sunday night, as she was praying over me, she said she could feel the Spirit of God hovering over my body ...

Jesus is so beautiful, so wonderful, so amazingly freaking awesome - I'm not going to let true love go.

love you girlies.

keep running to Him.

- ness.

busy.

2009-01-27T10:30:00.000-08:00

i've been meaning to write back in response to your blog :P but i never got to it but i'll just type a quick little note right now... i've gotta get to studying. lame.

but yes ma'am, next week or so we need to write down our goals and set them in stone. it's pooey how we all have different schedules but it's going to work out no matter what. i believe our love for God is yearning to reach a deeper level. i think the best kind of love is the kind that compels you to act ... then again if it doesn't, then it isn't love at all.

it's a little difficult finding time to go to church wednesday nights and cell group thursday nights... during the week is going to be difficult especially once i start working. i am demanding my sundays completely off! lol. and i'll also have to be volunteering around 8 hours a week. eek. on top of that studying... and learning how to really really really really be responsible and mature about it all at the same time! phew.

but most importantly of all, i always remember God. i remember everything He's done for me. i wake up in the mornings and thank God that i did. i lay my head down on my pillow at night and tell Him good night and "I love you." i'll tell Him everything on my mind or sometimes i'll just lay still in His presence. i don't ever want to get too busy for Him. and the times that i do feel like i have too much to do, i'll remember this poem ...

THE DIFFERENCE

I got up early one morning, and rushed right into the day:

I had so much to accomplish that I didn't have time to pray.

Problems just tumbled about me, and heavier came each task.

Why doesn't God help me?" I wondered.

He answered, "You didn't ask".

I wanted to see joy and beauty, but the day toiled on, gray and bleak:

I wondered why God didn't show me.

He said, But you didnt' seek".

I tried to come into God's presence:

I used all my keys at the lock.

God gently and lovingly chided.

"My child, you didn't knock".

I woke up early this morning, and paused before entering the day:

I had so much to accomplish that I had to take time to pray.

always remember the One who created you and knew you before you were even formed in your mother's womb. it's hard living in today's world with all the other things that can distract us, but remember just because something is difficult doesn't make it impossible. nothing is impossible with my God.

God isn't just a section of my life. He isn't labeled as "Go to once a week." God is my love, Christ my deepest desire - the way, the truth, and the life. Jesus has poured into every single area of my life ... I asked Him to fill this cup, and He gave me the ocean.

- ness.

Just A Shout Of Praise.

2009-01-26T18:57:00.000-08:00

So this seems great. I'm glad to know how great and AMAZING our God works in answering our prayers and giving us more than what we ask for by far. Praise God for everything in my life. Good and Bad. Happy and Sorrow. I really appreciate all that He's changed in my life and even your's and those who believe =]]. So... since we've always talked about being part of a church I say we do something. Say maybe become part of the worship team at 3DG or something. That'd be awesome. Or their drama team WHOO! oK Nessa and Kristian. It's time to take action instead of just saying. Let's start... obviously next week cuz we're going to cornerstone this week lol but seriously. ALSO! Don't forget saving up money for probably next summers for a missionary trip =D so exciting! But we totally need to make goals for ourselves... more than that though. Well see you guys later hopefully on wed. ^_^

<3 Lyndsey

Answered Prayer

2009-01-13T12:31:00.000-08:00

Ok so for one I just want to thank God for being just extremely AWESOME !!! This weekend could not have gone any more perfect....here's how it unraveled...Saturday spent time with these REALLY AMAZING kids and of course my REALLY AMAZING friends also spent time with my extremely MEXICAN familia which too was AMAZING...Sunday went to church with my parents which was a prayer of mine that was answered the message was meant for every single one of us and God's presences was abundant in our church....Sunday night went out with some friends and my favorite little brother Joshua...I went out with this guy who I think is very handsome and a couple of our friends and before we went out with them I prayed that God would some how intervene whenever temptation was right around the corner and He did which was something that me and my guy friend really appreciated :D it wasn't anything too bad He just intervened and prevented any premature kisses that's it !!! but it's thoes kisses that can lead to something else (YUCK >:p) so yea and I just realized that God knows exactly what He is doing and that good things do come to those that wait :) and as much as I like this guy I just really have this ardent passion and desire to NOT put him anywhere near or before God because then that's a big NO! NO! and what I really like is that he totally respects that :) and he's a catholic who seems interested in Christianity so I pray that God uses me to talk to Him but I also pray that I don't get so caught up in winning him for the Lord and totally forget about my own walk with God...If that makes sense? so yea **sigh** everything seems to be pretty darn perfect ? Thank you Jesus <3 Kris

a mystery.

2009-01-10T15:51:00.000-08:00

God.

in those three letters lies the mystery, the unfailing promise, the reason that i breathe.

and i think that's the best part of it: the fact that we're human and we don't know everything. there are people in this life who miss out on everything ... who are so concerned with knowing all the facts. and sure, it's logical, but i think other people can get really pissed off when they don't know something. it's pride, it's arrogance, it's selfishness.

i think that's why a lot of people can't accept the idea of God. they can't accept His Grace either. Why in the world would He send His son to die for us? I've heard many times, of how people think it's stupid, that He simply could have just forgiven us for our sins in two seconds if He wanted to, right? Of course He could have.

But He didn't. Do you understand the living God? That He is the God that has the mind to come down to this earth and walk among us, to suffer every trial and tribulation. I think that takes an extreme, an incredible, an indescribable, unfathomable amount of humility. That marks the genuine heart of love.

It's weird. I think about how He created this world. All of this. Everything around us, He knew what He was doing and He knew what was going to happen. He exists outside of time. He knew our hearts before He formed them. He set us all in certain places at certain times. and i wonder why He created us if He knew that sin was going to come into the world.

this sounds extremely crazy, but think about it. everything ... it all led up to the ultimate act of love.

why do i love God? because He first loved me.

there's something about love. i mean ... even with God. you see, we could argue all day. or you can read up on all the religious and philosophical books you want. you can go to church as much as you want, listening and learning and writing it down in a notebook. you can say you love God. you can even claim to be "Christian" and not cuss or have sex before marriage. you can be the most religious person in the entire world! but that's not it ... that's nowhere near what it is.

it's not just believing in Jesus and going to heaven. it's not just saying "i'm a christian!" this life is about falling in love with Christ.

you see ... being a christian ... is more than just the title. it's not a religion. i can honestly say that. even Jesus didn't agree with the most religious leaders. Jesus tore the veil.

there's something that goes beyond the facts. it goes beyond just knowing what Jesus did and religious doctrines. nothing can describe the true experience of God's love. nothing.

religion works from the outside in. but God changes you from the inside out. religion is a list of do's and dont's. Christianity is spelt "done!" religion is just knowing about Jesus. but christianity is knowing Jesus. there is something incredible, something unspeakable when I sit in His presence. and that's the thing, that i can't explain it. that's what i love. and i can't put it in a box and wrap a red ribbon around it. and i never will ... we can't wrap our minds around a God that is so big. the more that i try to define it, the more that i degrade it.

why is there suffering from a loving God? i could say so much about this. but i'll sum it up for you. sin is present in this world and that's the reality of it. and it's difficult seeing murderers or cheaters or liars that get away with things. we want justice. why do these evil men and women live? think about it. should God kill them before they do evil deeds? should he judge rapists and thieves now? i think we easily miss the point if we think He's hateful. we serve a God that is loving enough and patient enough to wait for these people to make a choice, as He does not want anyone to perish.

there's a good reason for trials in our lives. there is evil that has brought suffering, but i always think there's something good brought out from it under God's direction. and we wonder if the juice is worth the squeeze. if our consequences are worth our actions. but of course, only God can judge that since our perspective is so limited. but for me, i honestly believe that after every "bad" thing that has happened in my life, it has changed me so much more for the better. and what i mean is that i've grown. the best part is that i haven't just grown up - i've grown closer to Christ. nothing in this world will ever beat that.

look at the story of Job. my friend was arguing with me about it, saying how God is just a manipulative being that plays around with our lives as if we are insignificant. Job may have been the most faithful servant, but he was not without sin. The point is that God wasn't simply just proving a point to Satan. It's more than a "bet." When God asks a question, He already knows the answer. He knew of Satan's activities and what was going to happen. We need to understand that God had purposes for Job's good that could only come through that arduous path of testing. Suffering can be a sacred trust that brings you to full dependence on God.

the funny thing is, i'm not so scared anymore. instead of fearing what's to come, we should welcome trials, hardships, difficult situations. sounds crazy, right? well i'll let you know, that i am crazy in love.

at this very moment in time, today, i can honestly say i've never trusted God this much. there's so much that i could say ... but the main point is that we are destined to reign, to enjoy life, to live for God. everyday is a constant struggle that i can't get enough of. because i understand. i understand He has a purpose for everything! every single little and big thing! no matter what happens, it turns out to be better than before!

i can remember how angry i was with my mom. i could almost say that i even hated her ... but someone told me that He would not have made her my mother if there wasn't a reason for it. even if i don't agree with her, she's still my mother. and with the way she is and the things she does... if she wasn't like that, I wouldn't have been the person I am today. when he said that to me... it was so eye-opening. and then he said that He didn't make her your mother to annoy you or harm you, but possibly to make you stronger for what lies ahead.

even in the midst of suffering, i have an unbroken peace. it's so hard to comprehend, let alone explain. but mystery is one way that God moves. it's understanding without fully knowing. it is riches when you don't have. it is strength when we are weak.

the key is to be tough, not hard. tragedy wants to harden us, and we should never let it. and i understand we all go through difficult times. they're all different and i can't judge to say who suffers more than who; but God really never does give you more than you can handle. all you have to do is ask the Savior for help, and lift it up to Him. easier said than done. but it's incredible. out of the 6 billion plus people that live on this planet, God loves you as if you were the only one.

when you seem like you can't move on, that you can't ever climb out of that pit, remember ...

for the believer, this life is as close to hell as you will ever get. for the nonbeliever, this is life is as close to heaven as they will ever get.

i understand that it is hard to remember there are other people in the world. but it's time for us to quit acting like children, and take a step back to look at the big picture. we all walk different paths, and how amazing is it that we have all met, even if just for a moment, and that we have the time to walk this path together. we have a higher purpose. i sincerely believe that us girls (here on breakfr33) have the hearts that we do for a reason. no matter what we go through, God has given us the strength to rise above it all!

=== i praise You, Father. not only because of the things that You've given me, or the people you have placed in my life. I praise You, adore You, simply for who You are. ===

- ness.

Be A servant of others

2009-01-10T14:54:00.000-08:00

There are times in our lives when we just want someone to show us that we are not forgotten and that we are loved...and not all the time do we find that in the right places or in the right people...but when we diligently seek God, He will send the The Great Comforter in our time of despair...and I thank God for presenting me and Nessa and Lynz with the opportunity to be the hands of God and volunteer our time with some kids who have endured their share of hardships and their share of rainy days...some of these kids were taken away from their parents or family members because of an array of abuses and/or neglect...and when you meet these kids they are truly one of a kind genuine in their actions and their ways of expressing gratitude...and it truly is heart wrenching to know that they have gone through some very traumatizing times in their lives at such young ages and that majority of the time the ones who they expected to protect them was the VERY one who inflicted the harm or the one who allowed others to mistreat and misuse the children...but when you meet them you would have never thought that they had been through such tragic situations...they are very joyful and just filled with youth...they are filled with child like wonder and innocence...and it's extremely hard to even imagine why someone would want to just give up on parenting them? Their smiles and laughter lighten up your day and their goodbyes make you just wish that y'alls time together never ended...the first time that I had gone to volunteer I had prayed that God would use me to speak to them but God works in such miraculous ways...he used them to speak to me...their stories, their humility, and their gratitude really made me stop and think... these are only but a few kids who by God's grace alone were delivered from danger right in the nick of time how many other children have lost their lives or have just been written off by the world as no good? How many of these children have been told that they will amount to nothing? How many of them sit in their rooms waiting to be adopted by a loving family or put in foster care... how many of them pray that God would help heal their parents or guardians from their addiction...and yet they receive no answer...how many of them despise God for "putting them in that situation"? How many of them have turned to drugs or sex or even thoughts of suicide because they feel as though they are forgotten? We as Christians need to take action and show these kids and many others that they are loved and that they are not forgotten...we MUST tell them that God holds their lives in the palm of His hand and that He delivered them from the nightmare that they called their "life" and sent His children (us) to minister to them through our words and our actions... We need to tell them that God never meant to harm them and that He only wants a prosperous life for them...I do not see this as a means of accumulating community service hours...I don't volunteer my time so that when it in can make my resume look very impressive...nor do I do this to receive praise from those around me...I do this because God has called me to show His love to those in need of His love...and I pray that He continues to present me with these life changing opportunities...to be a helping hand to those in need and to be filled with His uplifting words to the down trodden..."Mark 12:31 And the second is like, namely this, thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. There is none other commandment greater than these." "Matthew 19:14 But Jesus said, Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven" "Matthew 5:16 Let your light shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven."
<3>

It's gotta be love

2009-01-09T18:07:00.000-08:00
Have you ever stopped and thought of how marvelous God's love is? Lately I've been noticing God's love moving me in away like never before. I tend to find myself being used by God to minister to my own family as often as I can...I find that whenever life seems overwhelming all I need to do is think of the love of God and there's this peace that just consumes me in a way that is like no other...and to try to explain the feeling is like watering down the real truth...I find myself more happy and content with the real me I find myself in this state of mind that is something like floating on a cloud...and yea I don't exactly know what it is like to float on a cloud but I imagine it to be the way I feel whenever I get consumed with the love and peace of God...I find myself talking with God more than before and I wake up every morning with hope and a peace of mind that whatever God has store for me is going to be something that will break or make me like in the words of Rose Allen Munt " And I trust in His mercies, that if He calls me to it, He will enable me to bear it" I find myself falling in love with God more and more each day and I hope that I would never find myself complacent in my relationship with Him...each day I seek Him the more He reveals Himself to me...each day that I talk to Him the more I hear His voice...each day that I reach out to Him the more I feel Him closer to me...I feel Him in every breath I take...I feel Him in every heart beat..because I know that it is Him alone that gives me each breath of life and each ryhtmic heart beat...I see Him in the faces of strangers and I hear Him sing his melody through the birds in the sky...I feel Him breathe in each passing breeze...I see His splendor each morning when the sun rays shine through my window blinds...it truly is a divine romance that I hope will never end but only grow and that when others see me they may be able to long for what I have and that they may come and ask me why I am beaming with joy so that I may say to them "For the Joy of the Lord is my strength." Once you surrender your life to God and truly experience His love there's no going back and quite honestly there's NO desire to go back to ways that were never fulfilling...you don't ask for olms for anyone anymore...you stop looking for love in all the wrong places...you get this amazing sense of self-worth...the list goes on and so does God's love...A circle has no beginning and no end. God is like a circle. He has no beginning and no end. In this life we have material things that wear out or break down. In contrast, God's endless love never wears out. God's love has no beginning and no end. God's love is infinite. What this means to you is no matter how much you might stray away from what God wants from you, His endless love remains. God's endless love keeps going forever on into infinity and God's will for you is that you would travel with Him into the future on the wings of His love. In your life, when you think you have run out of energy, God's endless love remains. When you think you have run out of options or choices, God's endless love remains. When you think you have run out of friends or people to help you, God's endless love remains. When all seems lost, God's endless love remains. When it seems there is no help to be found, God's endless love remains. No matter what happens to you in this life, God's endless love remains, constantly enfolding and wrapping around you forever. (www.findthepower.com) Our God is an Awesome God and I can't imagine myself continuing to live a life that is empty and meaningless...I can't imagine living a life without His undying love !!! Madly in Love with Him <3 Kristian

Ami

2009-01-07T12:37:00.000-08:00
Just a reminder that we need to keep Ami in our prayers as her depature day for God's calling to the Philippines draws closer!!! Thanx gals :D

JOB not job like the one I have at HCO

2009-01-07T10:23:00.000-08:00
OK so last night I was reading the book of Job...I've always been fascinated with his testimony and to know that he never cursed God but rather praised Him in the midst of all his turmoil...and I've recently found myself praying that God would break me down and test me so that I may withstand all the trials and tribulations that are yet to come...and quite honestly I didn't think that it was possible to praise God in the midst of all lives turmoils and to continue to thank Him for what is yet to come. In Job 2:10 He tells his wife..."shall we not indeed accept good from God, and shall we not accept adversity?", that verse in itself was an eye opener I noticed how willing we are to accept the blessings of God but when it comes to His chastening we quickly want to say no or why me? as I continued to read Job I stumbled across this other verse Job 5:17 "Behold happy is the man whom God corrects: Therefore do not despise the chastening of the Almighty" and of course it's way easier said than done to "accept God's chastening" but when you stop and think about it those who correct you, do not correct you to call you out, they only correct you because they are aware of the potential that you obtain and that's exactly what God sees when He brings our sins to the light. I just think that God is so amazing in how he reveals such precious gems of wisdom to us through reading His word...and knowing that there is so much more to be learned through His word only makes me long for It even more so than before.

It's ironic how I grew up in the Church and went to private school and never truly took advantage of God's word only because I knew that It was always going to be there...I knew that whatever class room I walked into there was going to be some verse from the Bible and that there were going to be banners hanging all around me with scripture on it...but now that I'm not surrounded by God's word so much as I was before, I find myself looking and longing for It...I know I went off on a different tangent but I was thinking about that last night... I asked God why is that we live in a free country where we can read His word without having to worry about being persecuted for it...and yet we do absolutely nothing about it? All different types of people save up their lives earnings just to come live over here where they can worship our God in freedom? Do we have to suffer such an extreme such as communism to truly appreciate God's word? I feel that now more than ever we need to draw close to God and hide His word in our heart because there will come a day when we will not have such an easy access to the Bible or to Church or to anything really that pertains to Jesus Christ...in Revelations the Bible talks about a time when God will remove Himself from us...and knowing that that time may be at hand I feel that we should hide His word and etch it upon our hearts...that way when the hard times start rolling in like the waves onto the shore, we would have some source of comfort... "I pledge allegiance to the Bible God's Holy word. I will make it a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path. I will hide God's word in my heart that I might not sin against God" - AMEN
<3 kristian

2009-01-05T19:26:00.000-08:00

I need to do some serious soul searching...and as lame and retarded as that may seem it's true...I feel like I'm so far from where I truly want to be spiritually and physically...I thought that coming up with a New Year's Resolution would really put things into perspective for me and it has...it's put into perspective how far I am from God and how I'm dying inside without Him...there's this Sunday School Hymn that says if you read your Bible and pray every day you will grow, grow, grow...if you don't read your Bible and don't pray every day you will shrink, shrink, shrink...and for so many years I would sing that song never realizing and understanding the truth that was behind the lyrics....I always hear myself praying that God would break me down til "I, KRISTIAN LAUREN JIMENEZ" no longer exist but now I am at a cross-roads asking myself how serious was I about that prayer? And a part of me says I was/am serious about the prayer but the other part of me says it's not so easy letting go of your OWN life to something and someone that you can't exactly see...I know that God exist but maybe I just have a problem with submitting my life to someone who I have not seen but I know without a shadow of doubt that He exist...I feel as though I'm at a constant tug-of-war between my logic and emotions...how do I surrender all that I have all that I am to Him?

the grace of God.

2009-01-04T17:12:00.000-08:00
been a while since i wrote in here. i just read kristian's blogs. but actually i will probably type a super long blog thingamajig after i put all the groceries away and such. be back in a bit ...

=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=

okay. so i tried going to sleep but my mind was racing with thoughts. not that it's such a bad thing, just when my mind fills up like this, it's best to empty it out as soon as possible.

i already told lyndz the story of what happened this past week but i've yet to tell kristian.. but here we go.

i got what i asked for. i asked Him to test me ... but why did i fail? why am i so weak?

so before what did happen, i could really see how my desires had changed to become a missionary. not just a convert, but a disciple of Jesus. and i never really knew how my choice of career of becoming a nurse was really in line with that dream. then my friend phil helped me open my eyes, when he said that his friend was a nurse who went to africa and cared for the sick. and i seriously wanted to prepare myself for battle, arming myself with God's word. i had been praying for a devotional book. it seems like a silly thing to pray for, but i really wanted one. haha. and it's so funny how i prayed for one and now i have several: many people have given me devotional books.

i was learning so much, and in the moments of reflecting on His Word, i came to know the difference between knowing about Jesus and knowing Jesus. i started reading up on Christian apologetics (which is arguments for the defense of the Christian faith) and started to really truly understand why i believe what i believe. my foundation felt firmer and stronger than before. and it's not something i can honestly explain to you guys. it's the experience that you just need to experience yourself.

the truth is that the closer you draw to God, the more temptation and trials are thrown at you. let me honestly say that the Christian life doesn't mean the easy life. the more i prayed to come closer to Christ, the farther away i felt. and to me, it was an intense and strong temptation, perhaps the strongest i've ever felt in my entire life. and i gave in.

i never knew what it meant with the whole "true love waits." i never knew how strong and how much willpower a woman of God needs. i never knew how fragile my morals really were.

sure, it felt like the devil targeting me. as if he almost knew that i was going to do great things in the name of Jesus. but it's not just him. it's me also. you see, what hurts me the most isn't that it happened, but that i myself had the willpower to stop it. it was my choice, and i now have to deal with the consequences. i could have stood for purity, for strength, truth, and integrity, but now i find myself mired in this fog of hypocrisy and selfishness. it could have been so easily avoided! i could have stopped it ...

and there i was, sitting on the floor in front of the heater, crying out to God. as i stared endlessly into my reflection, wondering why did i do what i did, i felt hurt. and the thing is that i have never been at this point before. in my entire life, i've never really felt like i needed forgiveness for anything. i mean, i was raised in church, and although i never really cared about it, i thought i was a pretty good person. and looking at my reflection, questioning myself and realizing that i needed a major mentality transformation, i saw how being good isn't the standard that God measures by. for the first time in my life, i cried for forgiveness, for mercy, i cried "Lord, where are You ... Father, please take me back." and i heard another voice...

"Child, I never left you."

lyndz. kristian. take this advice seriously. it's easier to avoid temptation than to get out of it.

don't play with fire. and you don't need to be like me, to learn lessons the hard way. i think that's why i needed this wake-up call. i'm a stubborn person. i'm hard-headed. i need to like....be smacked upside the head... several times in order to learn some things.

but that's the way that God works sometimes. not the smacking upside the head thing ... but more of refining yourself into the person He created you to be ... the person that you are destined to become.

although it feels like i've failed God's test, after being slain in the holy spirit today, i feel different. before coming to church today, i felt like crap. terrible. unworthy of God's love. i felt like ... i wasn't deserving of anything. and i didn't know why i did the things i did, and i felt unreachable. it was an extremely low point.. and when my elder was praying over me, i told her that i was lost. i was in need of a Savior. that i didn't want the life i once had anymore. i didn't want to lead a life of hiding my sin. i was pushed to my limits.. my tears were uncontrollable, my body fell, and at that point i was healed.

how was i healed at this point? my lustful desires are gone. honestly. gone. it's incredible. i didn't think that type of healing would take place! God simply molded my heart, cleansed it, purified it, and He has made me whole! the most incredible feeling i've had in my entire life, i never knew healing like this. i can say... this is a miracle. i mean ... these desires usually take so much of your own strength to make it die, but i came to the Savior, and He lifted it from me!

and looking back on it all, i do understand, like lyndz said, of how every downfall makes you stronger. God has the power to show you who's God. i think the trials that happen in your life really have a way of shaping you into either a humble person or a prideful person. i was really planning on hiding this, of never letting anybody know..ever. but pride is such a hindrance. God doesn't want us to be like that, to say that we don't need to change and we can just do whatever we like. there are times when you need to admit you're wrong, fall on your knees, and ask for forgiveness.

i understand the grace of God a lot more now. one of the things that sets Christianity apart from other religions is that God loves the sinner. i've heard it so many times, but knowing how it feels.. knowing that God's love is that AWESOME, that INCREDIBLE, that UNCONDITIONAL... knowing that He takes you as you are! knowing that the other false gods despise you and hate you and desert you when you don't please them or do as they say. it is God that loves you even when you reject Him! to me...that is the greatest love of all.

i think the way i used to think ...it was really silly. hoping i would never fall again. but the greatest victory comes not from never falling, but getting back up again. i believe to be the person i wish to be, it takes an incredible amount of strength. i think that's who God wants me to be. all of this makes me want to fight that much more. usually i would be discouraged from something like this, but i realized that's another trick to make me fall away from Christ. i think to be different is to be strong. this world is full of broken people, unhappy people, and i'm going to stand for what's right, what's true, and i believe this happened for a reason. i am created to show people the good work He has done, is doing, and will continue to do!

let me say that after a taste of the forbidden fruit, i want out of that life. it's unsatisfying, and like Kristian said, God filled man with eternity. and no one, not your family, your friends, not even your husband, is going to fill that void in your heart like Jesus Christ.

looking back on it all.. it seems like a bad situation at the surface. but in the bible it says that God uses the bad and turns it around for the good. God is changing me, molding me, and has really just... allowed me to mature in the most incredible and amazing way. today at church i saw in the bible that it says how all bitterness, anger and wrath, insult and slander must be removed from you, along with all wickedness. and be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another, just as God also forgave you in Christ. (Eph 4:31-32). it's simply another trial that has pushed me closer to Him, that has really shaped my perserverance. let me say that my morals are stronger, my strength to resist temptation is stronger, my faith is stronger, and more importantly, my love for the Savior, for the Alpha and Omega, for the Prince of Peace, for the Way, the Truth, and the Life - for Jesus Christ is stronger than ever!

... i got what i asked for.

bring it on, 2009!

- ness

FRIENDS

2008-12-31T11:50:00.000-08:00
OK so I just went through all the posted blogs and I realized that I have some pretty darn amazing friends and in one of Nessa's blogs she said something along the lines of sometimes you need to stop spending time by yourself and stop and look and really enjoy those that HE has placed in your life...sometimes I think is crazily amazing how God knows exactly what kind of friends you need and who are the right people who fit his "criteria" for that....Lucky me I got stuck with some goofy ones that ALWAYS cheer me up, encourage me and keep me going strong...kinda like the sisters that I never had but now I do have.=}} i know my smiley face looks weird but that little pointy thing at the bottom is a lip quiver you know the kind that you get when you're about to cry (DON'T LAUGH ITS TOTALLY LEGIT) I just really think that God is amazing and I don't know exactly what I did to make Him want to bless me with such AMAAAAZZZZZAZING amigas but He did and I am so HAPPY !!!

Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never the same. You are such a person. I thank God for you.

Love you girls so much and I pray that I can be the kind of friend that you all have been to me!!! God Bless <3 Kris

NEW YEAR NEW START

2008-12-31T11:15:00.000-08:00
New year, new start !!! I guess that's pretty self-explanatory...throughout this year I've seen a rapid change in my attitude...not so much for the good. I've noticed that there are somethings in my life that need to be changed ASAP otherwise I'll find myself losing hope. For this new year I'm striving to have a stronger relationship with God, a relationship with Him that is like no other ! I read in a book that God filled man with eternity...and I never really understood what that meant, until the author went into more detail about the meaning behind that verse...he said that we have an empty space in us that can only be filled by God...and it wasn't until I read that sentence that I came to the realization that nothing in this world can fill the vast emptiness that I have within me...but God ! So I want my heart's constant prayer to be that God fills me with more of Himself and breaks down the person that I've become. I want to be a wittiness to others so that they may see how awesome and gracious is our heavenly Father and I want to be used by God to minister to others, to minister to them of the hope and everlasting life that he offers to everyone ! I want to show them that God's love is never ending and that He sees beyond our flaws. I want to show them that this is more than "religion" it is a relationship and like any other relationship you have to maintain it in order for it to blossom into something beautiful something undying. New Year New Start New Changes !!! GOD BLESS !!!

Tables are Turning.

2008-11-24T18:34:00.000-08:00
It's actually been great. Which is really great. It's funny how God works in his awesome ways... The Tables Are Turning. After hearing that message at youthfire I start to realize how they are in fact turning and it's crazy how much can change after a message at youthfire. I really am thankful for all the pastors, worship leaders, worship band, youth, freinds... everyone who goes to youthfire and I ask for God to bless every single person in my life to the fullest. More importantly I ask God to show those who are in my life that don't have Him in their lives to seek him, hunger for him, and give their lives to the hands of God for Him to lead them in the path of His glory and happiness. Lord there truely is nothing better, nothing to compare to your greatness and how much joy you have given me in my life =]] and I couldn't be more grateful and blessed by you Lord. I Thank You tramendously. I Love You, Lord.
<3 Lynz

breakfr33

2008-11-18T20:37:00.000-08:00
Mann... Idk. I really don't know. and it sucks. School sucks. Home sucks. Phone sucks. Txts suck. Friends house sucks. Idk what's wrong with me. eMo side's creeping back up... not good yo. Maybe it's my lack of church involvement. Idk. I do miss it tho. Can't wait till I get a car. Can't wait to graduate. Can't wait for college. Can't wait for a job. I just wish I wasn't or didn't have to be so dependent on other people... all the time. Rides, money, time, homework, school, friendship, whatever. Why can't I just be free? Free from home, free from frustration, free from me basically. I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know what's expected... nothing prolly. I don't know me. I don't know who I want to be. I don't know. I understand but then I don't. I see things one way and the next it's totally different. Days are running together. Tomorrow is saturday, today is sunday, slowww but yett so fastt at the same time. Too much to do in so little time. Taking away that time from others sucks too cuz it ends up being your fault for not letting other people study or get done what they need to because their to busy with your own erands you know. I wish my mom was more responsible. More supportive. Mostly. Mostly here at least. What will happen when I'm gone? I don't know. God... please just let everything be ok. Let my strength overpower what's yet to come. To fight myself from myself and society. To break free from everything.... every bad thing in my life Lord please. I'm so messed up in my head right now and it's hard to not listen to the bad side. But yes Lord... the Devil is working his evil ways against me and pulling me towards his side but I will breakfr33. Thank you Lord, for everything =]] You are what keeps me alive and breathing in the beauties of the world rather than being sucked into sex, drugs, and money. I AM STRONG. I Love You.

hurt.

2008-11-10T15:10:00.000-08:00
to sum it up, i'm lost. i never knew i could feel this way, act this way, think this way... i've never known what it's like to love someone then lose sight of him. i've lost sight of Christ and all i feel is the pain and disappointment. the guilt of not being the woman i should be... it hurts so much. like what you said Kristian ... you said exactly what i felt. i hate waking up in the mornings and seeing the person i've become and living with the constant reminder of who i am not and who i may truly be. and all of a sudden, i find myself back to where i started, square one! i wonder if this was all for nothing, i wonder if a regeneration really took place in my heart.

i truly feel alone. but thank you Kristian for your words of encouragement ... it's like ... i've come so far from back then. i don't really like to talk about my past, or even confront it at all. i don't like to remember who i was. and now i find myself back in my old ways again, and it's such a struggle... such a battle. i really do find other people wonderful and interesting, but all of a sudden i don't want to be around people anymore - even the ones who are closest to me. i back away, shy away, push people away, because i am afraid. there's always something holding me back from trusting one other person.

it's funny how many years it takes to build up someone's trust but it can fall to pieces in one second. i'm severely close to becoming a cynic and i don't want that. i don't want to be bitter or angry anymore. and i guess it's not that i am, i'm more afraid than anything. and it all goes back to losing myself and wondering ... (sorry this is so random but i'll finish this later! i gotta go...boo)

- ness

Struggling

2008-11-06T10:15:00.001-08:00
Right now I don't really know where I stand. I'm struggling with so many things, that I feel that I may be at my break point and just might give up on even trying anymore. For some reason the more I try to draw closer to God the more temptations and tests come my way and I truthfully don't feel like I'm strong enough !!! I'm constantly reminded on a daily basis of what I've done, how far away I am from Him and what I am not !!! The Bible says through our flaws He makes Himself perfect and that He who has begun a good wrk in you will complete it til the day of Jesus Christ, but for some reason I can't seem to convince myself that that will ever happen...I know that the only reason why I am thinking that way is because I've allowed satan to mess with my mind but he is so slick and manipulative and he presents these plausible reasons as to why I should just give up. I just don't know what to do please keep me in prayer !!!
KJ

i should be ....

2008-10-31T06:33:00.000-07:00
typing an essay! but my brain is completely blank right now. i'm pretty much in la la land from watching the cinderella movie that kuya bought me. terrible, i know.

so my week? it was disastrous for a while. especially with the car accident ... but in spite of everything, my birthday was a good day. i really wasn't expecting to do much, i was just thinking about going to youthfire then going home but it was nice to eat out with a small group. i like how everyone is so goofy and silly and just seems like a family. sometimes you gotta stop spending so much time with yourself and look around you to see who God has put in front of you.

i'm simply amazed how God has stirred in the hearts of others. He reminds me everyday that the same power that conquered the grave lives in me...

i just pray that their decisions were genuine. i pray that they choose to follow Christ for the right reasons...

let's just say that was the best birthday present ever.

- ness

Good Ending I Suppose.

2008-10-26T18:45:00.001-07:00
so once upon a time in my lifetime =P anyways... I'm glad that I at least had a good ending to this suprisingly ugly week of mine and lots of others for some reason. It's nice to have family surround you for a while. I happen to love the quality time I have spent with them even tho it was only for a night. =]] I love them for always supporting me for some reason lol. jkk. Well tomarrow's jona's birthday and mom gave him his present early: a WII... what a cheater y don't I get kul gifts? huh? HUH? lol well it was fun playing while it lasted but we totally need games. And I never notcied we got a new plasma tv downstairs even when I was watching tv. weird. but ehh. Idk whyy we had to get a new one. We could've totally gotten ME! a new car or something: something more useful. How unselfish of me I know! haha. but ehh. it works I suppose. But what did bother me is that I totally forgot to tell brooke that I was volunteering at the festival and she was totally at church alone. poop. I'm sorry. I should've gone to church then volunteered at the festival cuz I had a whole week of no church, or youthfire, or cell group! maybe that's whyy it was a bad week. But my highlight was how awesome pam's dad is to me. I do feel like a daughter like he says he sees me: giving me life advice, always taking me out to eat, all those fun fat jokes, sleeping over half of the week and him actually appreciating me being pam's friend is really touching hearing it actually. =]] We ate at Furr's in San Marcos. it was funn I love my second family =D lol But all and all it's hard for me to control my feelings of sorrow and frustration so sorry if it gets in the wayy. I do try I can't say that I don't because I know that my attitude affects those around me. Sorry guys. Well it was a good end of the week for a yucky week. and I'm glad it at least ends happy cuz that is truely what matters most. The Ending.

Who Would Have Thought?

2008-10-25T10:27:00.000-07:00
well this has been genuinely hard for myself for some reason but at least I do have ppl in my life that can understand and relate and be there for me even in the smallest of situations. I do praise God for sending me the beautiful wonderful ppl that are grateful to have me in their lives as well as I enjoy them in mine. I couldn't ask for a better life, better friend, better everything because I do understand that God does have plans for me in my life and everything, every situation just makes you see true ppl, true love or lust or friendship. Even tho my anger and frustration has settled down a little bit I'm still fighting within myself to control it =]]. It's been ok. Not where I wish it would be or more over not even be. But it's there. Lurking. And I am trying my hardest to just fix the problem but it's hard when even you comfront the problem; it still decides to take it's course to continue on it's path. Which, for me, is really hard to fix for some reason. And the thing is that I do understand. I understand the salvation but it's more than that. It's wayy more than just the salvation of someone- it's something that I don't even understand. I'm there for both sides. Want to be there for both sides but I've decided to quit seeing how both sides just want to be left alone. So I will unwillingly respect that. I will. Just don't bring me or anyone else along for a third wheel. It really isn't all the nicest feeling in the world. But I suppose there could be worse huh? Yeah. Well who knows where friendship will continue in it's path but what I do know is that the last decision-- is God's decison.

Finallyyyy

2008-10-09T17:13:00.000-07:00

heyy guyssss!
well i finally figured out how to get on this thing! haha. and i just wanted to say thanksss for making my time here in SAN ANTONIO so funnn! i didnt think i was going to make anyy friends when i first got here but i did! =D and im glad i got the chance to meet you guys! you guys really helped me sooo much in so little time. and i love all the time we shared!
i wish i didnt have to go but i do.. it sucks but just know that i will never forget about you, you will always be in my prayers and i will always keep in touch!
and im going to continue my fast! even though i cant go on the 29th, but i will be there in spirrriiiitttt haha, i wish i could go though =[
well i hope you guys dont forget about meeee.
and hopefully ill still be cool enough to be on this blog even when im goneee! hehe.
LYNZ i will always be here for you! friendship is not measured by distance of how far we are apart but by how much love we have for each other in our hearts. =] and nessaaaa i will never forget you and how crazy funny you are, good luck with you know who. stay PRETTY! =D i lovee you both sooo much!
<3 brookeeee

New but Old

2008-10-08T17:33:00.000-07:00
It's funny how simple things and harmless things in life amount to something more than just offense or unwanted.
Am I really that mean?
To find out that the only ppl you hang out with think such bad about you? Something SO evidently as little as just words... just WORDS! Become more than just that. More than judgment. But what I've never come to do to them. Judge. To judge them never crossed my mind because I only see what I want to see and that is all the good one person hold within them. Why do they judge me so? I don't understand.
Little, small, unseen things in life IS my life. So what means nothing to them... means the world to me... which is whyy I feel so hurt inside hiding from them my real feelings of what I think. and again; I don't know what to think. How to think and come about such a little problem is more than just ignoring it... or talking about it. But maybe changing it. Changing my apparently "harsh" ways.
But who will I be then? of course; I do not know.
What happens then? To change who I suppose is my real self; who will I be? I don't mean any harm but whyy to they take such offence to what I say when I just want to be honest sometimes; and most of the time I'm joking. And they obviously don't understand.
Someone who I thought I could really be myself with turns out to become someone, like everyone, to judge me. I don't like being judged by the ones who I expect to love me for me. So it's a good thing I still have pam and brooke.
And then that girl that I had mentioned on my last blog: I went to go sit with her again afterschool you know to KNOW someone else but who was with her boyfriend who doesn't seem quite nice to me, "Is that the girl you were talking about?" "So you don't have any friends or what?" yet more judgments to add on.
I may be overreacting but who knows: it's my lack of myspace. =PP
I don't know, then some guy likes pam and she loves to talk about it. and nessa has someone to like. and priddy. and dani. and john. and sandra. and mark *I'm pretty sure*. and joseph. and I could never enter a conversation with everyone because I have no life. no spare time. no permission. that I've found out today talk to pam that I'm absolutely terrified to like someone rightt now. because I know I can't. So I don't allow myself. I can't talk to anyone like everyone talks to everyone. I can't have that relationship with someone I like because I'm too scared to get close; and that I don't understand. It may not be important to you or understand or think how it doesn't matter; but to me it does.
And this is just to get some feeling out so ignore it nessa:
having such beautiful friends... beautiful nessa and beautiful pam and brooke. People just see past me. THey see past me and all they see is who's in front of me. "Wow she's so pretty!" "That's your friend? So beautiful!" "Pretty.. Pretty.. Pretty" is all I hear. ALL I HEAR. even from random ppl. everyone I know has said that and more but w/e. and having to hear that all the time. ALL THE TIME. doesn't make my self esteem any higher. and all I can say is "Yeah... I know..." "I know....." "Iknow!" what am I supposed to say?
It's hard not comparing yourself to those around you that are crazy beautiful but just know it ok. I'm not saying I'm hideious or want attention or comfort for that just I don't know how to handle myself not comparing you know. And I know I shouldn't; and I don't change or try to be any prettier cuz you all know that's impossible *JK! don't hurt me*. It's just some feeling; I wish I had a private journal. lol
man... only fishies hit on me. not that I want it but they're the only ones who acknowledge my presence for friendship. Like this s'more who was hessitant to talk to me afterschool when I was just sitting there and just asked, "DO you know what kinda car that is?" "Uhh... no. I don't know cars sorry =]" "Well I'm kyle *I think*" and blah blah blah.
but all in all I want to give up. but it's a good thing I'm too ambitious for that to ever happen. and THANK YOU LORD! for all the strength that you have given me in my heart and soul to just take things as they go and ignore what I should and be strong for those little ones who need me most. I hope I'll be alrightt and go to college or I'll seriously die if I don't. =//
But I will call you nessa when my mom gets here from bible classes. =]] cuz your anxious to tell me something I know, I know! lol sorry =[[ but it can't be any longer from now so kisses.
P.S
Am I really mean? cuz I don't see it. Have I changed? cuz I don't see it. Do I judge? cuz I don't think I do.

chickensteak.

2008-10-07T20:29:00.000-07:00
don't worry about what subject you're talking about. i mean, i made this blog so that we could vent out what we really feel, what we really think about, and to just connect with each other. this isn't so much about the fast, but more about our relationships with each other and with Christ.

but anyyyway.

i don't want to say that i know what you're going through. because honestly lyndsey, it's not fair for me to say something like that. we both have such different lives and different families. i can't say that i know everything about you and that i've been there, because there is no one that will understand you like Christ does. but here is what i can say...

i am here for you. do you remember pastor warren's last night of youthfire? about how sometimes, he doesn't even know what to say. people tell him their problems and their hurt, and he doesn't know what to say sometimes, so he just embraces them and lets them know there is a God who feels their pain. so for me, i don't know exactly what to say, but i can let you know that you have a friend here, well...a sister (meeeee =P) and there are those deep and dark places in our hearts that only God can go.

but only if you knew. if only you knew the impact that you do have on people. but to me, that's what is so beautiful about you, is the fact that you don't really realize that the person you are and the way you are reaches out to others in the simplest of ways. because if it's one thing you've taught me, it's to not let life pass you by. i was always so apathetic towards everything, and never really cared about what was set in front of me. but the thing is that you always find ways to look at the smallest things that can mean the world to someone. i've always envied that you have that gift.

it's hard living under your parent's roof when you want to do so many things. and sometimes we don't always agree with our parents, and i know i definitely had difficult times with my mom. there were times i lashed out and yelled at her at the top of my lungs because i couldn't stand the way she was. but at the time i understood that she is my mother, and i am my mother's daughter. the bible says to honor your father and mother. and as long as i was under her roof, it was her rules. and now i find myself regretting the way i was with her. i know she was a parent looking out for her child. it hit me so hard after i moved out that i wasn't going to be living with her anymore. and no matter how many arguments we had, the bad times should never and will never outweigh the good times.

so all i can say is hold on for the meantime. if you keep focusing on what you don't have, you're going to miss out on the things that you do have. the Lord says "for I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." you are destined for greatness. i know there are lots of things that we want to do, but those things come by God's timing, not our own. and we think that we're so young and we can't do anything important until we get older, but that's not true. we think that simply talking to a lonely person at school or hugging a friend is such a small thing compared to feeding the hungry or building a home for the lost. but that's not the way it is in God's eyes. God sees and rewards even the smallest gestures that we passionately make for Him.

there are so many things that i want to do to reach out to the people who are lost in this world, like go on a mission trip, but now is not my time. but that doesn't mean that i'm not living. God is simply telling me to wait on Him. and it's just like a young girl who exercises to get skinnier. this doesn't mean that in the meantime, her beauty is put "on hold." she is beautiful no matter what because she is the daughter of a King! and it is the same as when we have a passion to give to others. sure, we don't have the opportunity to go on a missionary trip to the deep jungles of the Amazon, but that doesn't mean we can't enjoy today.

we will all pass away someday. and that is why we live for today. we can't live for yesterday, because it's gone. we can't live for tomorrow, because it's not promised. this is why every single day in the mornings, i wake up, and thank Christ because He's given me one more day.

just take a look around you and look at what God has created. put passion into your actions. and pour out your heart in the words you say. and take everything in around you. we shouldn't work to be blessed; we should work because we are already blessed. you can't keep on thinking that you can only work toward what will be, because what if that day never comes? you have to realize that we are only living because Christ died for us.

"Come into God's presence with no agenda but to love God and let Him love you. Your identity is not found in your doing, but in your being with God. It is not about feeling; it is about coming to God in faith."

people think that just because you're a Christian, life is easy. but the thing is that its that much harder. it takes more strength for someone to be different. God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.

- ness

Well this is going alrightt...

2008-10-07T19:32:00.000-07:00
The fast is going great. I just don't know what to do with my "spare" time that I have... even tho I hardly even have ANY! lol but it's all good I guess. I finally finished the info. card things that I needa print and give out but I don't wanna give them out too early cuz then ppl will just put them away and forget about them so yeahh. I will give them out a week and a half before or so. just so you guys know.

I met a new friend today. I just forgot her name: like I always do. But she's nice. She's a Christian which is kul cuz I just sat next to her afterschool today and started talking to her; she's kul. Hopefully I get to see her a round skul and stuff so she can go to the Youthfire too ^_^.

As for everything else in my life. ehh, Idk guys. I'm so confused about something. *that I don't even know* I... I was totally all sad and depressed like this whole day over something that I DON'T KNOW. Let's just say I'm good at hiding my feelings... cept when I don't talk... THEN ppl question... that's not good. I can't even think because I'm fighting against myself of what to think; how to think; and puts me in a place where I don't like being cuz I just don't know. And that makes me mad to where I just don't think or wanna think: about anything. I'm lost. but the thing is I don't know whyy. and I don't know how to understand. I wanted to be left alone and when I was I was afraid to be left alone with myself and my racing thoughts.

And yesturday my mom was totally getting mad at me that morning about... I don't even remember I guess it was about me changing skuls so I could go on the bus cuz she can't be picking me up during her lunch cuz she takes forever to get back to work or something Idk... but I wasn't even talking back to her... just listening with, I'm assuming, that mad face look of mine and she said, "Life's too short for you to be sad or mad, exc." and I HATE those thoughts that ran up my mind that made me cry on how... If I were to die today, this week, on my birthday.... I would have nothing to look back to... nothing I have accomplished that I've wanted too. I havn't lived at all. I can't remember anything at all; nothing that I would be proud of doing when I died. Thoughts that always get to me which is whyy freedom is alot more to me than just mom letting go. It's me being able to accomplish life long goals.... to LIVE with my free will of wanting to give back to the world; to it's wonderful ppl; to the ppl in this world I WANT to give back too those who have given their world to me.

And the big question is I don't know.... anything. I'm scared to not live... so desperately scared to look back on nothing. Just family & friends. I just want to live. To love. To worship & praise. To encourage and save. To help and to be free. I'm too anxious to become who I want to be I can't wait and I've been chained on too tight my family I wanna break free. but what will happen when I'm gone is what worries me. =//

sorry my thoughts go in the way of the fast blog guys. LOVE!